I got a letter from the hospital that did my mammogram. In the letter is says that the right side needs to be looked at by ultrasound. I went in cuz I found a lump and am sore on the left side. I talked to the doctor this morning, apparently they didn't find anything out of the ordinary on the left side but did find the nodule on the right side. For some reason I am not as worried now. I know that I have cysts on the right side. I wonder if I should call the doctor and ask if the nodule is in the same spot as the cysts are? With my family history I should just buck up, pay the money & get the ultrasound done. Then I will know for certain that they are just cysts and nothing more. I just hope that they can tell me on the 7th when I have it done.

There is major drama going on at the bar job. One of the other servers was fired on Friday night- about 2 hours into her shift! She was bitching about the sections and the manager was in a very bad mood and sent her home. On her way out the door she called the manager a "F-ing B!" and flipped her off. (granted she used the actual words- I'm just trying to keep this PG.) So the manager then calls her a bit later and tells her that she wasn't fired when she was sent home, but now that she said that & flipped her off, well, now she fired. [side note: this server has been skating on thin ice to start with so it was more than just the bad mood of the manager and the sections] The worst thing is that I had been called up to the office with the manager just before this all happened, so I was standing right behind the manager when they started agrueing with each other. It so looked like I said something to the manager to get this girl in trouble. But I didn't say anything. I didn't want to see anyone get fired or sent home. The manager & I were upstairs in the office talking, but not about her. See we (the manager & I) have been friends for a long time, she was a bridesmaid in my wedding a million years ago (just 12 but it feels like a million!) and other boys are great friends. We were talking about how she wanted the bar to run the next night (she had the night off and was worried) and we were talking about my breast health problems. This server that was fired, she also did our web page (even though someone else had been asked to do it, she took it upon herself to do it) and now she changed the password and won't let anyone else do it. The owners of the bar have given her 2 days to give it up. I don't know what they will do if she doesn't give it up. It's one of those public "friend" type pages that you use your email address as your login and you have a password.

I just don't like all the drama and for some reason I am feeling responsible for some of it. I am really considering changing jobs. I like the bar I work at, I like the manager and most of the staff. I would hate to leave, but I really don't like the drama nor do I need it in my life. Guess I had better think long & hard about it and I think I will even speak to my manager about it.

Last night my oldest daughter, a friend of hers & I went to the store. while wondering through the cd area my daughter tells me how her grandma was all mad at her now. Her grandparents got her an ipod for her 13th birthday, even after I told them not to cuz a teeny tiny $200 ipod for a 13 year old is just asking to get lost or stolen- but they got it for her anyways. Well, one of my daughter's "friends" stolen her ipod in May, now her G-ma found out and she is mad. She is mad that I didn't get involved and try to get it back. She thinks that if I had paid for it then I would have gotten involved. I told my daughter when she got it that if it ever comes up missing/stolen/lost whatever that she would be out an ipod & I would not be replacing it. It is her responsibility to keep it safe. When she told me that last night she also told me that she told her gma that I work 2 jobs just to support them so she had better back off. One of the reasons I am not getting involved in this situation is because I know the family of the "friend" and I am not going to mess with them. I've already had my run ins with them cuz of my son and I don't want to go there again.



This is my oldest. Doesn't she look older than almost 14?


I like this picture better. She makes me feel less old in this one.

Last night I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that I had gained like 100 punds in just a few days. But it wasn't jiggly fat gain, it was like I had swallowed all of Lake Michigan and was retaining all of it! My breast were the size of basketballs, I couldn't wear any of my cloths and I was so upset. My skin was stretched beyond belief and all of my blood vessels were big red angry lines on my yellow hued skin. The skin of my breast, where they met with my chest, was all twisted- like that of a balloon animal. I don't usually remember my dreams for very long, but this one is really sticking with me. I had a hard time sleeping last night too. My son woke me up around 1:30 cuz he had a bad dream, for the next 2 hours I had a very hard time going back to sleep. I just couldn't get comfortable and I hurt. I have this spot inbetween my shoulder blades that just needs to be stretched out and I can never do it. Sometimes doing a "bridge" (ya know where you lay on your back put your palms next to your head on the floor, feet flat and then push yourself up) will help me get that spot and there I was at 2:30 in the morning, doing a bridge in the middle of my queen sized bed. It did help a little. It just gets so frustrating, I am so exhusted yet can't sleep through the night. Any ideas?

I got the test results back on the mammogram. Now they are calling it a nodule and they are sending me for a surgury consult. That appointment is Tuesday August 7th, so more waiting. So I guess in the mean time I will just get busy planning my class reunion.

I will try to blog more tomorrow, I should have left work about 45 minutes ago but I wanted to let you know what I found out.

href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Ciabhol9TEE/RqDKlyAZ2RI/AAAAAAAAAA0/M0z1SKbN5Gk/s1600-h/kk.jpg">

This is my friend (also my bar manager)'s son. He is good friends with my boy. I was painting my and my youngest daughter's nails and he wanted his done too. Keep in mind this is an 11 year old- going into 6th grade football playing boy.



This is my boy. He had to have his done too. They both wanted black & hot pink but I couldn't find the black. I guess it's in my oldest girl's purse. The boys said they want to keep the polish on until football season starts. Brave, Brave boys.


& when did this happen? When did my baby get so grown up?


I had my mammogram yesterday. Now it is just a waiting game. The tech said the radiologist was to read them either that same day or first thing this morning, then my doctor should get the results in about 2-3 days, then I should get a letter by day 7. That's 7 days of waiting. I am not a patient person. When I want something I want it now. NOW DAMNIT! GIVE IT TO ME RIGHT NOW! Hey, did I mention that I have zero patience? I'll keep you informed.

I had my dr appointment. He did a manual breast exam, much like the ones I always do in the shower. He would feel an area & ask me if that hurt. It was very tender, but with a high pain tolerance it didn't really hurt, but was very uncomfortable. The look that came over his face while he was doing the exam didn't fill me with good feelings, the looks kind of made me scared. He had a lot of concern showing on his face. So if you play poker, play against him- he shows everything in his expressions. He said I have a mass in my left breast, but doesn't think it's a tumor. I have to go on Thursday for a mammogram. I thought I was having that done that day, but guess I thought wrong. I hate mammograms. They really hurt. If you want to know what they feel like, stick your boob in the window and then try to shut the window. Yeah. They hurt. My breast have been tender non stop since my last appointment. I have a bruise on it now, right where the "mass" is. I'm not sure if the bruise is from the underwire on my bra, the exam he did, from the fight at the bar I work at on Saturday night, or a combination of all 3.

I had prayed that if I am going to have breast issues (i.e cancer) that the Lord would provide me with a way to pay for everything- like win the lotto so I could pay off my house and all my debt so I would not have to worry about those things while I was fighting the cancer. Friday night at the bar I made more in tips then I have ever made there. One guy gave me a $100 tip! In this dutch community that is pretty unheard of. It is very common for someone to order a bottle of beer at $3.75, give you a $5 to pay and they want their dollar back, but tell you with a smile "Oh, you can keep the coin Sweetie". Gee thanks. Maybe after your next round I can make a phone call. Saturday night was a decent night too, it was on the high side for tips then normal but about half of what I had made the night before. That was even after the big ol' brawl that one of my tables started. I guess I really surprised some of the people I work with. They all see me as this sweet innocent thing, not someone that would pick up the drunk fighting girl, throw her over my shoulder and start taking her out to the parking lot.

If you have any questions that you would like to ask me, feel free to ask. I usually don't know what to type cuz I really have no idea who reads this anymore. So let me know what you want to know & I will answer.

Just to let you know, I am going to the doctor today at 3. I will let you know what I find out. I haven't really told anyone other than my sis in law that set up the appointment (she works at the doctor's office). My bff knows, she's in Oklahoma.